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This year has been challenging to say the least. I am not going to list all the things that have happened, that made me think deeper, change my perspective, soul search, etc. Instead, I want to focus on where I am right now and what I would like my future to be.

I am feeling rebellious. I have had enough of the restrictions, caution, of putting my life on hold. Why should I keep doing it? They say it’s for the common good. Well, guess what- I have been doing that for lifetimes, literally tens of thousands of years over and over again (those that don’t believe in re incarnation might have lost me at this point). This lifetime feels like the final test of my patience and strength. Am I willing to carry on with this Martyr lifestyle where everyone and everything comes before me- work, parenthood, relationships, commitments, public service, etc. The answer is-NO.

Admittedly, it is easier said than done to change my life completely. How do I go about doing it?

I have done SO MUCH work on myself, to feel better, to be healthier, to look better, to be a better person, within my current situation. But I have never put myself first. It has always been done it in between doing things for others.

So, the first step towards putting myself first is facing it all. The second step is deciding that enough is enough. The third step is to start acting like I am my number 1: a lay in in bed over the weekend, making myself a cup of tea before rushing to cook breakfast for everyone, going for a walk when I feel like it, taking a break when I’m tired, travelling, trying out new hobbies, refusing to run around for others all the time, listening to my body, expressing how I feel, voicing my opinion, basically doing my own thing whether they like it or not.

I know that some call this middle life crisis, and they are entitled to their own views (I am not saying their own opinion, because it’s not). If that’s what’s going to make me feel like I am actually alive, so be it. Those that really care will accept this change in me with time. Those that don’t (i.e. those that are loosing a servant, and a general run around person) very well shouldn’t be in my life anyway.

So, there it is. Living one’s life does mean paying a price of losing people and putting new rules and boundaries in place. But, what is the alternative? I am done with just plodding along, waiting for the next instruction and trying to make everyone else happy. I am making myself happy and those that want to stick around are welcome. Those that don’t, I wish you love and light and all the best in the future.

Blessings,

Angela.

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This title might deter a few readers. However, after both my mentor and my father dying this year, I have to look death in the eye.

I have decided to accept it as a teacher, rather than a taboo that it has been until recently. There is much to be learnt from the process of dying. Just like the birth does, death comes in it’s own time and takes over a person’s life. As a result, it also makes a lasting change in the lives of everyone that knows and loves the deceased person. But, how do we deal with the fact that someone has gone from this plane of existence for ever? How long does it take to get over someone’s passing? Do we ever get completely over someone’s death or is it just that we have to learn to live with it?

One evening, in an attempt to find any sort of guidance as to how to deal with my grief, a friend recommended a book “Die wise” by Stephen Jenkinson. I looked it up straight away and found a number of interviews done on him, where he goes into the depth and his background knowledge on the subject. He has been working in palliative care for decades and has decided to write the book based on his interactions with the dying and their families, as well as from a perspective of palliative care personnel. He tackles with the fact that we (our modern society) have detached ourselves from the fact that we all have to die one day. We use modern research and medicine to combat the process of ageing and dying. We don’t see it as a natural part of life, but as almost a disease or a condition that we have to fight or at least delay as much as possible.

Both my father and my mentor died in pain. They were fighters and they gave their all to be able to carry on for as long as was possible. Both of them had people around who were trying to help look after them. They took various kinds of medication (both conventional and alternative), changed their diet and deepened their spiritual beliefs. And just when it seemed like they were going to pull out of the dying process, they passed away.

Jenkinson made an interesting observation that in the eyes of a child, death isn’t traumatic. Children can see that a person is changing and that things are different about a dying person, but they don’t think about the death and therefore don’t grieve. They watch everyone and everything involved and learn from it. They are present in each moment and don’t worry about the future.

Unlike children, I worried about the death of my father years in advance. I would wake up and have the thought in my head that he died. I would then call home to make sure that everything is ok. And, ironically, on the day that he died, I had no premonition. The last time I spoke to him he sounded almost like his old self and I was certain that he was winning against the inevitable.

My father was a warmhearted man who always thought about other people first, who loved his family and friends, who always had great advice, who knew how to calm me down and who I felt unconditional love and understanding from. Those are the gifts that will stay with me forever and I can hope and try to make others feel the same way that he made me feel. Because, feelings and memories are the things that we take everywhere with us, even when we pass on. They change us and shape us as deep as becoming a part of our soul. So, I will finish with that thought and a saying from my mentor, which is:

Keep smiling 🙂

Love and light to you all,

Angela.

 

 

 

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Before I can go into the next year and a new decade, I have to take one last look back on the year that made me.

In January 2019, I launched my healing business (domain name, website, a treatment room). It was a dream come true and I was the happiest person alive!

In March I visited the Bosnian pyramids. That trip delivered in bucketloads and more! Healing energy was everywhere: in the air, on the ground and even more so underground. The beauty of the place and it’s people left me wanting to come back every year for the rest of my life. It is the only place that ever truly felt like home.

In May I went to my niece’s wedding in my home country, Serbia. I haven’t been to a wedding for 15 years and I danced all night. The atmosphere of love and happiness filled me up for months to come.

In August we went to an english wedding in Macedonia. That was another magical day, filled with family reunions, music and dance.

On 9th of September, I opened my healing practice in town, joining a vibrant team consisting of: Pilates, Yoga, Pole Dancing, Belly dancing and Feldenkreiss healing technique. Since then, I have been working flat out to make things happen and to balance it with my home life too. I’ve never been a working mum before. Some might say that I had an easy life up to now. There is some truth in it, but I’ve always known that I had more in me, that a higher calling was out there for me to find it. This is it. It’s a culmination of a lifetime of soul searching, reading, learning, thinking, meditating, clearing, reflecting, deep conversations, visions, higher guidance, of looking for a purpose and finding it, training, practising and bringing a vision into reality.

However, I would be lying to myself and everyone else, if I didn’t say that everything comes at a price, as well as for a reason. The price is that I became a different person through this process and everyone around me has to get used to the new me. It is the hardest for my family, as they have lived with a different mummy and wife for 15-20 years before. Of course every change takes getting used to, but this one was quite drastic- from a quiet house wife and mum, to a healer in the public eye. Truth be told, not everyone is going to accept my transformation. That is something that I have to come to terms with.

One thing is for sure, my life will never be the same, or for the people around me. So, here’s to a new year and a new decade of love, balance, understanding and abundance.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year everyone.

Love and blessings,

Angela x.

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